Thursday, May 21, 2009

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

I have this theory about guys.

What else is new?

I assert that guys find girls more desirable who they first meet while the girl is dating someone else or who has already dated one of their friends. It's almost as though it is reassuring to them- as if another guy dating them has provided a test drive and somehow validates their datability (my word). I could name the theory after a few girls I went to college with who never had any shortage of suitors. It ties in with the thrill of the chase; wanting what, or in this case who, you cannot have.

My beef with this is that it focuses on very few girls within a social group, when in fact most social situations give guys a greater number of prospects to meet. It's also strange that guys would really not mind dating the same girl as one of their friends, because in Girl World, it would be poor form to date an ex of a friend.

It doesn't make sense to me (though I do not comprehend the male mind, this I have reiterated many times) that I have many very dateable, smart, attractive, SINGLE friends with very little dating experience.

A small minority of that same group of friends have hardly been without a boyfriend since I have known them. I understand that some girls have serious game. I can only applaud my friends who are never without suitors and remain high on the Desirable List for other guys. What I do not understand is why guys won't take the chance to date one of my other friends. Does one assume that her availability is permanent? Because that isn't the case at all.

To prove my case further, an example:

My college friend and one of my roommates for two years, JP dated a guy from her hometown our freshman year of college. They eventually broke up at the end of the year, and she was single for the two years following. An adorable and outgoing person, she made some guys friends in the interim, and at the time there were probably two of whom I think she would have dated, had they initiated anything. There were some flirtations and date parties but ultimately nothing came of them.

At the end of our junior year JP decided to take an internship working at a Young Life camp in Arizona, and while she was there she met and started dating the guy who would eventually become her husband. She came back to school that fall with a stud nose-ring (I was so jealous), a great boyfriend and having finished an internship with a ministry that would later lead into her career.

When we got back to school the fall of our senior year, some of our friends down the street had a big party to kick off the year. I distinctly remember seeing JP talking to the guys in question from the previous school year, catching up on the summer, telling them (obviously, why wouldn't you?!) about her new boyfriend in California. They both later verbally kicked themselves in front of some of our friends, wistfully saying things along the lines of regretting not taking the opportunity to try and date her earlier.

She became a hot commodity once she was not on the market anymore, only problem was: she never went back on the market again. She has been happily married since October 2007.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is poetic justice.

Moral of my very long story? If there's a great girl you know and you wonder why no guy is dating her- it's probably because you haven't made the effort... or maybe you already asked and she said no/drop-dead. But you know what? At least you tried.

"I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She's suddenly beautiful..."
-Counting Crows, "Mr. Jones"


Andhari said...

Guys. Are clueless. And it's like they're so deluded and think so highly of themselves sometimes too. Like, they can get better girls where the girls around them are already way too good for them.

The Polka Dotted Owl said...

that has happened to a couple of my besties. my only thing is that i would never ,fingers cross, go back to my left overs. i guess your theory can apply to these sad sitautions. where a guy breaks up with ms. right to pursue other ventures and other girls. ms. right then goes on with her life, happy and dating. the ex sees these two out and bam "damn, that could be me." he is suddenly aware of his loneliness, and he misses her.

i have fallen prey to this. once. i have seen one of my besties go back to that guy. i am in their wedding next may.

what are your thoughts on this particular situation?

great post!!!

Bluebelle said...

Wise words! If only guys would take note - I have some very wonderful friends who this is happening to!

parker said...

Being a male I'm not quite sure why this happens. But after a quick minute of pondering there are several reasons I cam up wit:
1) Some girls are intimidating and every girl never knows what this means but its true.
2) If you know the girl will date the previous loser than you know for sure you have a shot :)
3) When a girl you know has never dated anyone then you aren't sure if you can meet her standards because you have no real judge of them. However when they have see number 2.

All that being said I have no clue why any girl dates any guy we are terrible

themanhattantransfer said...

Andhari: Agreed! Guys can always manage to date up and often fail to appreciate that fact.

PDO: I don't know the specifics of your friend and her situation so I would hesitate to advise you for fear of not taking circumstances into consideration. I have a friend who dated a guy, they ended up breaking up for a while through faults on both ends, only to get back together later on, after addressing the problems and flaws during round one of their relationship. I saw them as being stronger for it and they are now great together and happily married!

Bluebelle: Take my words with a grain of salt; I have a lot of opinions about men but my experience is limited :)

Parker: Since I actually know you and you're one of the few guys to read/comment on here EVER, I won't pick on you too much... I can see where you are coming from on numbers 1 and 3, but at what point do those just become excuses? Number 2 made me laugh. A lot. I hadn't considered that before!